i don't remeber the last time i felt brave, i just recall insecurity

i wish i could just come to your house and tell you exactly how i feel about the manner at hand. the manner you have no idea exists. and if you do, you do a pretty fucking good job at hiding it. you asshole. i know it all.... i fucking everything that could destroy your life!... and you could destroy mine.... but you've already destroyed me... in a small little way, you've hurt me more than i can explain. she is so wonderful and kind and lovely... no wonder you don't want to break her heart. and in some small way, deep inside i'm sure she knows as well. she knows what you did. how you cheated your love and your bond. you came to ME... ME for advice. i think that's why you started what we had in the first place.... not so you could help me... but so i could help you. you made me feel like someone in the world cared in a time and a place where i felt desperate for love and attention... in a time where i felt no one in the entire world cared about me or how i felt... or cared if i became sick. you did. your the only one i told. your the first person i told. and i didnt have to strive for your attention. you came to me. took the dying flower and put it in a pretty vase and watched it grow. but it's like you flicked the flower out in a field of so many other flowers and walked away. you didnt even watch for where i'd land or who would step on me. because when you step on a field, you never know who or what your stepping on. it makes no difference. everything is the same. it doesn't even come across in your train of thought. you left me. without caring. making me feel like no one cared. who knew you'd drop me in the field again. i remeber thinking when i was 15.. i can't wait to be her. to be her age and for you to fall in love with me like you fell in love with her. i'm that age now. it wasn't that long ago but i'm a completely different person. i'm not going to be pathetic and desperate for your love and attention anymore. i'm not going to beg for it... to go that low. karma will come to get you one day you son of a bitch. and when it does... i hope it hurts. like hell. like how i've felt. i've wasted my tears on you so many nights and i'm sure i don't even cross your mind. and the sad part is, i sit here and wonder if i'd be here for you when you fall back down. and i don't even know if that'll happen. in my heart, i have a feeling it won't.... because it's not in the cards for you. it prob never will be. you'll live happily ever after with that silly little seceret of yours creeping up in your memory for the rest of time and she will be thinking the whole time that you two are perfect. that you love her more than anything and you would never cheat or even think about loving another woman. because the thing is, i think what would hurt the most would be that you loved her... the other woman. not that you had sex with her time and time again... that would hurt like hell but the fact that you actually loved another.... well... that's the type of wound i'm sure will never heal. i guess that's what happens to good people. they just get fucked over in the end. i'm sure i'll end up telling you this evantually. maybe in a year or a few years... or in 30 years. im sure i will.

shutter.

somebody save me.
please.
somebody pull me out of this fucking shit.
somebody fucking care about me please...
show me you care.
don't abandoned please,
not like the others.
don't ask me why, don't ask me how
it's a whole life line of stories.
we all got a story that can break your heart
and i'm no acception,
just hold me
and love me
please
show me attention
let me feel beautiful
because i don't feel beautiful.
not one bit.
they all tell me it's true but i can't see it.
the ones i want to care the most care about somebody else,
always
i fucking hate this

pour me a dose of patience

"January 2010

Note to self: Do not let next entry be in four months"

..opps.
it's not four months but almost.
thing have changed. that creepy guy is gone. the situation went farther and crazier and sicker than i expected. he's like an infection of gulit that won't leave my brain. i hate him and his whole life and existence. move to fucking mars would yeah?...creep.

why don't i just fucking move and travel and see the world? why don't i ever act on my ambitions? i desperately want to go to africia and live with a family for a few weeks and help the children and their communities. it's a life goal. i need it for myself. it seems like whenever i mention helping the world everyone thinks i am crazy and shouldn't even think about the idea. today i was watching a show informing people how to help children in need in africia and how to sponsor a dollar a day and such. they were sharing stories of different children, mainly girls. my dad came in and said, "what the fuck are yeah watchin by?" like i was some kind of freak. i said, "learning how to save the world" and he just rolled his eyes. i will make a difference some how. i will, i have too...if not, then what's the point?

the alchol has been inflicted on my life. i never use to drink. ever. not until kelen turnt 19. he'll be 20 in september. now i want to drink more than him. i love it. i knew i would... i think i want to drink all for the wrong reasons but that was to be expected with me.
feeling like i'm stuck in a rutt again. pretty sure the whole university thing won't happen. i don't want to get my hopes up and be horribly and desperately crushed all over again. i have to see it to believe it.

the way i write this entry is the way i basically feel right now. i don't care. who cares if words and sentences arn't in their perfect formation. who cares if i do anything that's not the way it's suppose to be done. be different. be unique. i need to remind myself everyday of this. i feel like i lose insight of myself everyday because i worry of what others think until i remind myself to be different, be unique. i believe that it will become a tattoo, evantually.

every day i leave my house i feel like i need to look perfect, everyday. i'll always have my hair and makeup done if i'm going out in public,leaving my car, not matter what. you never know who you will see or who you will met on a day to day basis and what kind of impression you will make on that person. it means a lot to me. i don't want someone to be mistakening me for something i'm not. this sounds horrible but when people, espically woman, don't put the time in themselves to try to look good it makes me feel like they are lazy. i feel like such a prick for saying that.

depression has been good. well, last weekend was bad. i was in a deep hole that whole weekend, didn't leave my house. i've had my off days but it's been pretty stable. no cutting, i don't believe...accept for once. i was with kelen, that creep and i was drunk. it sobered me up pretty fucking fast. i hated that night. it was so stupid. and besides, the cutting wasn't even bad.

first trip downtown may be coming up very soon. i just need someone else's id and i will be set. i'm turning 19 in august. a friend of mine is turning 19, having a party bus, free cover dt. i have a feeling i'm going to do things i may regret in the morning but the thing is, i don't even care. i want to do stupid shit that i'm going to regret but i won't regret it, i'll just laugh at it and be proud of it because i am so sick and tired of being good and always in control. i need to lose control of myself. just once. just that night. i need it so bad.

i am out of school for ten days. thank fucking god. boyfriend will probably be working the entire time, as usual. but time for lots of socializing that's long long over due.

my mother had a cancer scare recently. she had her yearily pap done. they found a mass aka tumor. but we don't use that word in this household apprently, according to her. they had to get a biospy on it. the only reson i found out was the fact that it was in her blackberry on her schedule when you went to the main screen. i seen it when we were driving in the car, two seconds after she told me that her test went fine. i called her a liar. it said, biospy, and the time and the place and whatever. she tried to tell me that biospys were 'mandatory procedures' ... like i'm some kind of idiot or something. she tries to pass things like that on me like i'm five years old again and i don't know any better.. but even then when she lied to me i always knew something wasn't right. oh but she said to me, they found some adnormal growth in my uterus and they just need to get it checked out. she wasn't going to tell me it was a tumor. it's funny because she kinda went about telling me i had a brain tumor in the same manner. she didn't call it a tumor, just a growth on the lining of my skull. i looked at her and said, 'you mean a tumor' and she said, 'oh hunny, we don't use that word in this house'. anyways, i went threw her email on her blackberry. she had written to her boss about it, telling him she wasn't coming back for the afternoon. that's the only reason i knew. anyways, it's not cancerous, not hurting her. i was worried. really worried. my mom has the worst luck with her health so i kinda expected the worst, not gonna lie... but i would never tell her that. i think it's hard for parents to beable to protect their children as they get older with things like that because of the fact that they have common sense...and in my case, educated in that area enough to know the difference. i think it's hard for her. that makes me sad. i hate making my mother upset or sad or anything that's not positive.
my grandmother is also going crazy. yep, she's pretty much lost it. everyone knew she had a bad memory, always asking me the same thing every time i seen her, which isn't overly often. but now she asks me the same thing about 2-3 times in the same half hour. she's moved in with my cousin and her children this year because she is getting to old to live on her own in her big house she had. she had her own basement apartment...but she was convinced there were 'bugs' in her bed. so they moved her up in my second cousin's room and she moved into the apartment. she thinks the bugs followed her upstairs...she going to be spending a few days at a hospital to be tested for dementia because she is showing early warning signs. one of those being, getting an idea into your head and sticking with it no matter what. hence the bugs. it's one of my worst fears to lose a family memory to something like dementia. she is coming over good friday for supper. i am terrified i won't beable to handle it. knowing that this time next year i might be a complete stranger to her...that she might be dying. her kidneys are only functioning at 25%. now i feel bad for being mad at her for calling me fat.

after ten years, we finally invested in a new home computer, thank god. my laptop is gone to the dogs and it was to the point where i couldn't do much on the internet anymore so this is pretty awesome.

my high school (the one i graduated from and updating my marks at) recently did a production of "The Wizard of Oz". My english teacher/best teacher I've ever had favours me (a lot) and asked me to be the director's assistant in the rehersals and such. when we began rehersals at the actual theatre my role went from directors assitant to sound cue girl. I had my trusty sound mentor with me, who does concerts for bands and stuff normally, but he was with me behind the sound booth the whole time... thank god because i would have broke that very expensive piece of eqiupment. we sold out 5 shows. it was absoutely amazing. they started to feel like a family to me. thats the thing when you put off a show..you spend way more time with the crew and actors than your own family and it starts to feel natural and right. it was the best thing thats happened to me in a while. it brought me back to the theatre, reconnected me. brought me back to life. i will be forver grateful for that show.

brain is shutting down now. need sleep. it's 2:54am. bedtime.

I'll take advantage while you hang me out to dry

What can I say? I am absoutely slack when it comes to this blog. I can't use the excuse that there hasn't been anything worth writing about (because there has). Sometimes I seriously would rather just shut myself up inside my head instead of actually coming to terms with it or discussing it...that's the difference between me now and me four years ago. I would have written in this space of mine every single day...maybe even more....

I've recently discovered all of my old journal and notebooks from the ages of 12-14. I read them now and I almost expected to myself to say, "Wow, how stupid was I?" or "God was I ever immature?"...but I never. I seriously can't get over the majurity I had for a 12 year old kid. I always knew everything I went threw with the cutting and the depression was real...and it was painful...but I forgot how painful...and how my notebook and my music at 3am was my own personal threapist. It was all very real. It still is most days. I also rediscovered my passion for helping others while reading those notebooks. I had a full on plan on builiding my own shelter called "Hussey's House of Love". It would basically be a home for anyone and everyone that needed help. I've always seriously considered becoming an addiction threapist... it still crosses my mind from time to time. I know myself well enough to know that I would never be able to seperate myself emotionally from the situation. Maybe that's why the idea has gone to the dogs.

I am very glad to say over the past few months I have grown creatively. Art classes have made that possible. I've discovered a new passion for painting. I also very proud to say I am a owner of a Nikon 3000. God, do I ever love it! I am not ashamed to say that I cried like a baby upon receiving this unexpected gift from lovely parents.
Also, over the past month I've seriously considered going to threapy. I have a huge problem asking for help... and my complete lack of trust in anyone also makes this very ...very diffcult. Last time I attempted threapy she pretty much flicked prozac at me after ten minutes of talking. I don't want to be on pills......at least, I didn't want to be on pills.....but now adays I've been so ...out of control with emotion..or having so much emotion it feels like I'm feeling nothing at all that I am doubting myself... I feel like some days it would be so much easier just to do what they say and take the god damn pills. I know for a fact however that if they worked like they are suppose too that they will become my sub for cutting. I really don't need that.
Other than feeling like I'm going to go postal on every single student in my classes at school I've been working a lot...before Christmas that is. I quit my job today from the lack of shifts & new opportunities arising in the air. I am in a pickle however....a very big pickle....a big scary dangerous pickle! >.<

I need wise advice... I have gotten myself in a completely sticky situation that I can't exactly take myself out of right away. I can't tell you that I don't have feelings for him...because I do. I can't tell you that I didn't/don't like getting his emotional and physical attention....because I did...and still do. I can tell you that I have been completely honest with my boyfriend about the situation...this situation between me and his 23 year old cousin.... :\ oh sam, what have you gotten yourself into?! I trust the guy...to a point....I mean, if I am in a crowded room with a bottle of mass in my purse but not alone....he is much stronger and much more forceful than I am...& now it's completely clear that he will try to get what he wants.... I'm so scared about what can happen to me right now... *sigh*

Note to self: Don't leave the next entry for another four months...

God called in sick today.

I feel as though setting any type of goals for myself anymore is totally useless. Almost every goal I have ever set is either been put on the back burner, or has been totally crushed by the situations and people in life. I had this ideal expectation when I was a kid that by the time I was 16 I would be crazy famous. Unfortunely for me (or fortunely, depending on how you look at it), I'm not Miley Cryus...wait, is that how you even spell her name? Oh well. I'm stuck back in fucking high school AGAIN for the forth fucking year, while the majority of my friends are gone to university, or college or moved to a different province to start off their lives. And because of this stupid dream and goal I have for myself, I have to upgrade my math to get their. I don't even know anymore if this is what I want. I have been so out of touch with Theatre for the past two years now that I don't even know if I want it anymore. Then I consider art/film school. Fuck, I don't even want to get into that. It feels like I'm such a loser and a failure compared to what other people were accomplishing at my age. Stephen Dunn had like a trillionnn films by the time he was my age, and I've made ONE short film, that has been in ONE film festival. ONE. And some people think it's great but that is NOTHING compared to people like him. His success make me feel like a pile of garbage. I don't hate him at all, I actually admire him, but I am SO damn jealous of him. I am absoutly terrified I am going to end up in a cube and I am going to be another number, on another list, with another company. I think I would kill myself. Oh god it would be horrible, it would be like literally being stuck inside a box for the rest of my life. I feel bad saying this because my mom works in a cubalic, or however you spell it, and she's doing great with it, and it with a like billion dollar company with treat her amazing. But still. Not for me. On the what I thought was going to be the last day of high school, my grade 12 math teacher said to me, "I'm expecting big things from you!" Well that just put a huge pit of aniexty in my stomach. I don't people to say to me, I told you so. I would HATE that. I don't want all those people who told me that I could get no where with art and film and theatre to be right. See, what I have learnt over the past summer is that you can't measure success of an actor or an artist by their popularity within society and the media. Because the media has made us all believe that you have only been 100% successful is if your on tv, and magizenes and billboards. But why? Why do you have to a household name for true success? Think about it, Elvis was a household name, look what happened to him? And same with Marlyin, as much as I adore her, and Kurt Cobain, and soo many others. They all end up the same way. People alway say to me that Newfoundland has no industry for film and theatre. They are obviously oblivious to what is going on in their own province! There is such a big film industry here, I mean NIFCO was the first film company of a province to start using HD, and they have top of the line equipment. Just because they arn't on entertainment tonight or winning oscars doesn't mean that they arn't successful. Fuck, I hate society. And I know sooo many people my age, and younger, and older and of all races and ages and people from all different places in life say that alllllllll the time, but it's true, I fucking hate society. It makes me want to scream and just to spit on the earth and say fuck it! Fuck it all. What's the fucking point anymore? I sit in this house day after day after day and I get no where creativitly and I'm only going down emotionally. In junior high when I start to cut I thought it was just a jr high school thing... a stage of my life that would automically turn off when I get into grade ten. Nope, never stopped. Yes, it did slow down a lot, but I still cut every now and then. Less and less, but I go threw spurts. So, I thought it would end in high school. I'm telling myself not to think that it will end when I turn 20, or when I get out of whatever university or school that I'm going too, because I've realized that it's not about what stage in life that I'm in, or what age I am, it's about me. Me at any time, any place, just losing control of my will, and me almost feening for a sharp edge to feel. It's fimilar to me now, and in a sick way, it's comforting. When I see the fresh cuts lined up down my arm for the next week or so, I don't feel as lonely anymore. I feel like I have a friend who completely and utterly understands what I am feeling and what I am going threw. Why? I have no fucking idea. It feels good knowing that it's there. It's like a safety net, protecting me. Now how sick is that? I feel sick sometimes. Maybe sick is just sad. Depressed. They call depressed people sick now adays. Maybe I am sick then. Who knows... I know I don't.


I have just read this over, and I apologize for my horrible grammer, but I am dead tired and my mind is fried.

I need ideas people.

This tuesday, September.8th, 2009 is my boyfriend's 19th birthday. I have recently worked at a local busker's festival for a weekend, giving my bank account some dough. Originally I wasn't suppose to be here for his birthday because I WAS moving some hours away for university. However, this plan has gone to the dogs, so I will be here. I want to make this really special for him, considering over the past few years his birthdays haven't exactly been 'wonderful'. He doesn't have a good relantionship with his parents like I do, let alone seeing his father very much at all, so spending quality time together isn't exactly their 'thing'.

So, my problem. He doesn't want anything for his birthday! Even though I have cash, I have limited cash. If I had a lot of money, I would buy him everything and anything that he wanted. He's really into computers and video games and stuff like that, so everything that is on his wish list is uber expensive. I am planning on making him a stocking type of thing for him, but I want it to be fun and original but with stuff that he'll love. I need ideas on what to put in, other then candy, chocolate and axe (haha). I'm thinking about putting in an album of pictures of us together over the past two years.... even though he HATES pictures of himself, which drives me nuts! . . . I just don't want to disappoint him :( He does so much for me, and I want to repay him. I'll figure out something, I always do. Maybe the steak dinner we are having together will help if this present sucks... haha.

Measure of failure

I use to have certain standards of what I believed are successes, and what are failures. These standards have become lower and lower every year. I use to think if I didn't reach a certain level of success, then it would be the end of the world, and I would be absoutly crushed. But everytime I wouldn't reach that success, I would let myself be okay with the fact that I have failed. I think back on to all of this, and I ask myself if this is why I keep on failing over and over again, because my level of standards have become to low? Or did I let myself be okay with the situation that I was in because I knew that if I didn't, I wouldn't beable to handle it down the road. But I think I need to realize is, it's okay to not be perfect, and it's okay that there will always be bumps in the road along the way. However, I don't know why there are always more bumps in my road then anyone else I know. I have heard before that life only throws you what you can handle. Why does it have to be so hard then?