What can I say? I am absoutely slack when it comes to this blog. I can't use the excuse that there hasn't been anything worth writing about (because there has). Sometimes I seriously would rather just shut myself up inside my head instead of actually coming to terms with it or discussing it...that's the difference between me now and me four years ago. I would have written in this space of mine every single day...maybe even more....
I've recently discovered all of my old journal and notebooks from the ages of 12-14. I read them now and I almost expected to myself to say, "Wow, how stupid was I?" or "God was I ever immature?"...but I never. I seriously can't get over the majurity I had for a 12 year old kid. I always knew everything I went threw with the cutting and the depression was real...and it was painful...but I forgot how painful...and how my notebook and my music at 3am was my own personal threapist. It was all very real. It still is most days. I also rediscovered my passion for helping others while reading those notebooks. I had a full on plan on builiding my own shelter called "Hussey's House of Love". It would basically be a home for anyone and everyone that needed help. I've always seriously considered becoming an addiction threapist... it still crosses my mind from time to time. I know myself well enough to know that I would never be able to seperate myself emotionally from the situation. Maybe that's why the idea has gone to the dogs.
I am very glad to say over the past few months I have grown creatively. Art classes have made that possible. I've discovered a new passion for painting. I also very proud to say I am a owner of a Nikon 3000. God, do I ever love it! I am not ashamed to say that I cried like a baby upon receiving this unexpected gift from lovely parents.
Also, over the past month I've seriously considered going to threapy. I have a huge problem asking for help... and my complete lack of trust in anyone also makes this very ...very diffcult. Last time I attempted threapy she pretty much flicked prozac at me after ten minutes of talking. I don't want to be on pills......at least, I didn't want to be on pills.....but now adays I've been so ...out of control with emotion..or having so much emotion it feels like I'm feeling nothing at all that I am doubting myself... I feel like some days it would be so much easier just to do what they say and take the god damn pills. I know for a fact however that if they worked like they are suppose too that they will become my sub for cutting. I really don't need that.
Other than feeling like I'm going to go postal on every single student in my classes at school I've been working a lot...before Christmas that is. I quit my job today from the lack of shifts & new opportunities arising in the air. I am in a pickle however....a very big pickle....a big scary dangerous pickle! >.<
I need wise advice... I have gotten myself in a completely sticky situation that I can't exactly take myself out of right away. I can't tell you that I don't have feelings for him...because I do. I can't tell you that I didn't/don't like getting his emotional and physical attention....because I did...and still do. I can tell you that I have been completely honest with my boyfriend about the situation...this situation between me and his 23 year old cousin.... :\ oh sam, what have you gotten yourself into?! I trust the guy...to a point....I mean, if I am in a crowded room with a bottle of mass in my purse but not alone....he is much stronger and much more forceful than I am...& now it's completely clear that he will try to get what he wants.... I'm so scared about what can happen to me right now... *sigh*
Note to self: Don't leave the next entry for another four months...
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