i don't remeber the last time i felt brave, i just recall insecurity

i wish i could just come to your house and tell you exactly how i feel about the manner at hand. the manner you have no idea exists. and if you do, you do a pretty fucking good job at hiding it. you asshole. i know it all.... i fucking everything that could destroy your life!... and you could destroy mine.... but you've already destroyed me... in a small little way, you've hurt me more than i can explain. she is so wonderful and kind and lovely... no wonder you don't want to break her heart. and in some small way, deep inside i'm sure she knows as well. she knows what you did. how you cheated your love and your bond. you came to ME... ME for advice. i think that's why you started what we had in the first place.... not so you could help me... but so i could help you. you made me feel like someone in the world cared in a time and a place where i felt desperate for love and attention... in a time where i felt no one in the entire world cared about me or how i felt... or cared if i became sick. you did. your the only one i told. your the first person i told. and i didnt have to strive for your attention. you came to me. took the dying flower and put it in a pretty vase and watched it grow. but it's like you flicked the flower out in a field of so many other flowers and walked away. you didnt even watch for where i'd land or who would step on me. because when you step on a field, you never know who or what your stepping on. it makes no difference. everything is the same. it doesn't even come across in your train of thought. you left me. without caring. making me feel like no one cared. who knew you'd drop me in the field again. i remeber thinking when i was 15.. i can't wait to be her. to be her age and for you to fall in love with me like you fell in love with her. i'm that age now. it wasn't that long ago but i'm a completely different person. i'm not going to be pathetic and desperate for your love and attention anymore. i'm not going to beg for it... to go that low. karma will come to get you one day you son of a bitch. and when it does... i hope it hurts. like hell. like how i've felt. i've wasted my tears on you so many nights and i'm sure i don't even cross your mind. and the sad part is, i sit here and wonder if i'd be here for you when you fall back down. and i don't even know if that'll happen. in my heart, i have a feeling it won't.... because it's not in the cards for you. it prob never will be. you'll live happily ever after with that silly little seceret of yours creeping up in your memory for the rest of time and she will be thinking the whole time that you two are perfect. that you love her more than anything and you would never cheat or even think about loving another woman. because the thing is, i think what would hurt the most would be that you loved her... the other woman. not that you had sex with her time and time again... that would hurt like hell but the fact that you actually loved another.... well... that's the type of wound i'm sure will never heal. i guess that's what happens to good people. they just get fucked over in the end. i'm sure i'll end up telling you this evantually. maybe in a year or a few years... or in 30 years. im sure i will.