God called in sick today.

I feel as though setting any type of goals for myself anymore is totally useless. Almost every goal I have ever set is either been put on the back burner, or has been totally crushed by the situations and people in life. I had this ideal expectation when I was a kid that by the time I was 16 I would be crazy famous. Unfortunely for me (or fortunely, depending on how you look at it), I'm not Miley Cryus...wait, is that how you even spell her name? Oh well. I'm stuck back in fucking high school AGAIN for the forth fucking year, while the majority of my friends are gone to university, or college or moved to a different province to start off their lives. And because of this stupid dream and goal I have for myself, I have to upgrade my math to get their. I don't even know anymore if this is what I want. I have been so out of touch with Theatre for the past two years now that I don't even know if I want it anymore. Then I consider art/film school. Fuck, I don't even want to get into that. It feels like I'm such a loser and a failure compared to what other people were accomplishing at my age. Stephen Dunn had like a trillionnn films by the time he was my age, and I've made ONE short film, that has been in ONE film festival. ONE. And some people think it's great but that is NOTHING compared to people like him. His success make me feel like a pile of garbage. I don't hate him at all, I actually admire him, but I am SO damn jealous of him. I am absoutly terrified I am going to end up in a cube and I am going to be another number, on another list, with another company. I think I would kill myself. Oh god it would be horrible, it would be like literally being stuck inside a box for the rest of my life. I feel bad saying this because my mom works in a cubalic, or however you spell it, and she's doing great with it, and it with a like billion dollar company with treat her amazing. But still. Not for me. On the what I thought was going to be the last day of high school, my grade 12 math teacher said to me, "I'm expecting big things from you!" Well that just put a huge pit of aniexty in my stomach. I don't people to say to me, I told you so. I would HATE that. I don't want all those people who told me that I could get no where with art and film and theatre to be right. See, what I have learnt over the past summer is that you can't measure success of an actor or an artist by their popularity within society and the media. Because the media has made us all believe that you have only been 100% successful is if your on tv, and magizenes and billboards. But why? Why do you have to a household name for true success? Think about it, Elvis was a household name, look what happened to him? And same with Marlyin, as much as I adore her, and Kurt Cobain, and soo many others. They all end up the same way. People alway say to me that Newfoundland has no industry for film and theatre. They are obviously oblivious to what is going on in their own province! There is such a big film industry here, I mean NIFCO was the first film company of a province to start using HD, and they have top of the line equipment. Just because they arn't on entertainment tonight or winning oscars doesn't mean that they arn't successful. Fuck, I hate society. And I know sooo many people my age, and younger, and older and of all races and ages and people from all different places in life say that alllllllll the time, but it's true, I fucking hate society. It makes me want to scream and just to spit on the earth and say fuck it! Fuck it all. What's the fucking point anymore? I sit in this house day after day after day and I get no where creativitly and I'm only going down emotionally. In junior high when I start to cut I thought it was just a jr high school thing... a stage of my life that would automically turn off when I get into grade ten. Nope, never stopped. Yes, it did slow down a lot, but I still cut every now and then. Less and less, but I go threw spurts. So, I thought it would end in high school. I'm telling myself not to think that it will end when I turn 20, or when I get out of whatever university or school that I'm going too, because I've realized that it's not about what stage in life that I'm in, or what age I am, it's about me. Me at any time, any place, just losing control of my will, and me almost feening for a sharp edge to feel. It's fimilar to me now, and in a sick way, it's comforting. When I see the fresh cuts lined up down my arm for the next week or so, I don't feel as lonely anymore. I feel like I have a friend who completely and utterly understands what I am feeling and what I am going threw. Why? I have no fucking idea. It feels good knowing that it's there. It's like a safety net, protecting me. Now how sick is that? I feel sick sometimes. Maybe sick is just sad. Depressed. They call depressed people sick now adays. Maybe I am sick then. Who knows... I know I don't.


I have just read this over, and I apologize for my horrible grammer, but I am dead tired and my mind is fried.

I need ideas people.

This tuesday, September.8th, 2009 is my boyfriend's 19th birthday. I have recently worked at a local busker's festival for a weekend, giving my bank account some dough. Originally I wasn't suppose to be here for his birthday because I WAS moving some hours away for university. However, this plan has gone to the dogs, so I will be here. I want to make this really special for him, considering over the past few years his birthdays haven't exactly been 'wonderful'. He doesn't have a good relantionship with his parents like I do, let alone seeing his father very much at all, so spending quality time together isn't exactly their 'thing'.

So, my problem. He doesn't want anything for his birthday! Even though I have cash, I have limited cash. If I had a lot of money, I would buy him everything and anything that he wanted. He's really into computers and video games and stuff like that, so everything that is on his wish list is uber expensive. I am planning on making him a stocking type of thing for him, but I want it to be fun and original but with stuff that he'll love. I need ideas on what to put in, other then candy, chocolate and axe (haha). I'm thinking about putting in an album of pictures of us together over the past two years.... even though he HATES pictures of himself, which drives me nuts! . . . I just don't want to disappoint him :( He does so much for me, and I want to repay him. I'll figure out something, I always do. Maybe the steak dinner we are having together will help if this present sucks... haha.

Measure of failure

I use to have certain standards of what I believed are successes, and what are failures. These standards have become lower and lower every year. I use to think if I didn't reach a certain level of success, then it would be the end of the world, and I would be absoutly crushed. But everytime I wouldn't reach that success, I would let myself be okay with the fact that I have failed. I think back on to all of this, and I ask myself if this is why I keep on failing over and over again, because my level of standards have become to low? Or did I let myself be okay with the situation that I was in because I knew that if I didn't, I wouldn't beable to handle it down the road. But I think I need to realize is, it's okay to not be perfect, and it's okay that there will always be bumps in the road along the way. However, I don't know why there are always more bumps in my road then anyone else I know. I have heard before that life only throws you what you can handle. Why does it have to be so hard then?

Julie and Julia

We have all been inspired by something in our lives. People, art, music, film. However, this inspiration usually lasts for mere moments. But what happens if the inspiration has a lasting affet on our lives? Just as Julia has inspired Julie for a lifetime, their film has inspired me to start this blog. I am too drowning in a sea, and need something or someone to pull me out. I am, however, tired of waiting around for that someone, because they may never be coming around. I have been falling in this sea of sadness for years now, and it has stripped me of all inspiration and creativity. At this vital time in my young life, this is creating a problem for me.

After a situation 3 years ago that involved a man, a short story and myself, I have not been able to write anything after that day. At first, I was simply discouraged. But now, it's more then that. It's a horrible case of writer's block. And now, my writer's block has slowly turned into a totally and utter block of all creativity to my body, soul and mind. I am an actor, I was a writer, and I am learning to be an artist. This is becoming terribly diffcult in my situation. Deep inside me there is a burst of light and color and the love of art that just wants to escape into the world. I have become afarid of what people think of me, and I feel as though that's all I think about.

This blog is let my body spill out my thoughts, feelings and emotions to the world, so my brain can have some time to become inspired. This is my road to inspiration.